


the only thing in the world keeping me afloat

by majesdane



Category: Pretty Little Liars
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Western, F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-08-17
Updated: 2013-08-17
Packaged: 2017-12-23 19:59:12
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,035
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/930496
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/majesdane/pseuds/majesdane
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Emily Fields, Paige McCullers, and Rosewood, Montana.</p>
            </blockquote>





	the only thing in the world keeping me afloat

**Author's Note:**

> Inspired by the western-themed school dance in episode 411. Also partially inspired by the book _The Miseducation of Cameron Post_. Thank you to [aprhodite_mine](http://archiveofourown.org/users/aphrodite_mine/pseuds/aphrodite_mine) and [mage_girl](http://archiveofourown.org/users/mage_girl/pseuds/mage_girl) for looking this over.

 

 

And oh how hope can suddenly run wild.  
\-- Guillaume Apollinaire, "Le Pont Mirabeau"

 

 

The hay was prickly and uncomfortable and the thick smell of it made her nose itch, but with Emily's sun-warmed skin under her hands and Emily's mouth on her own, eager and soft, she didn't think much to complain. After all, last week she couldn't have even dreamed about being up in the loft in the Fields' barn, being kissed senseless by a girl who tasted like root beer and smelled like Ivory soap.

 

;;

 

It happened like this:

Paige had never liked the church socials that happened on the first weekend of every month (indoors during the winter, outside on the little grassy field behind the church whenever the temperature rose to an amicable degree), but being the preacher's daughter, she was obligated to be there. She always felt out of place, hovering on the edges of conversations. She knew pretty much all the kids from school who came, probably because their parents dragged them along, but she wasn't friends with any of them -- her best friend since third grade, Pru, went with her family to Catholic mass a few towns over, so Paige was always left to fend for herself.

Her favorite thing to do was to sneak off down to the church's basement to read after the Sunday school classes had been let out, which was why she had found herself here, now, making her way down the short flight of stairs, book in hand. She paused on the last step as she heard the sound of a faint whimper from inside; it took her a moment to realize someone was crying.

That someone, apparently, was Emily Fields. She sat at one of the long benches on the side of the classroom, curled up in on herself, one hand over her mouth. Her long, dark hair had been swept to one side. Her eyes were closed.

Paige had known Emily for as long as she could remember. They'd both grown up in Rosewood, Montana, had gone to the same school since Kindergarten, and were both swimmers on Rosewood High's varsity swim team. Despite this, their lives had barely intersected; they had their own friends and, as far as Paige was concerned, they lived in completely different worlds. Emily was gorgeous, outgoing, popular, and everything that Paige wasn't.

She debated just quietly slipping back upstairs, but Emily straightened up a little and opened her eyes with a soft, "Oh."

Paige cleared her throat, embarrassed. "Sorry," she said quietly. "I didn't think anyone would be here."

Emily nodded once, very slightly. Her eyes were bright with tears. A long moment of silence passed between them. Paige found the corner of her book with her index finger, pressing in. And then --

"Hey, um. Are you okay?" Paige asked, still lingering in the doorway. Emily didn't answer right away, staring down at the floor and toying with the hem of her dress.

Paige rushed on, flushing,"I just mean, well, you seemed upset. I didn't -- sorry. I'm just gonna go back upstairs."

"Wait," Emily said softly, suddenly. Paige paused, turning back. "It's just my dad. He's being sent back to Texas for more training. It just sucks, him having to leave again so soon. He just told us this morning. I thought ... " she trailed off, wiping at her eyes. "It's not like I meant to come down here and cry. It sort of just happened. Sorry." She managed a weak smile.

Paige nodded, moving across the room to sit down next to Emily, lying her book to the side. "It's okay. I get it. You didn't want him to see you upset, right? Because then you'd worry that you made him feel guilty."

"Yeah." Emily sniffed. "He's going back in three days; I didn't want him to spend all that time feeling bad for having to leave again. I know it's not his fault. I just wish he could have stayed longer."

They lapsed into silence, Emily swiping at her eyes again. Paige didn't know what to say; she'd never exchanged more than a dozen or so sentences with Emily outside of swimming, despite all the years they'd gone to school together. And now they were sitting here in the church basement, Emily upset about her father leaving, and Paige debating whether or not it she should give into the urge to put her arm around Emily's shoulders.

After a long, agonizing moment of uncertainty, she inched herself closer to Emily, reaching out towards her. She let out the breath she'd been holding as Emily relaxed into her, putting her head on Paige's shoulder. Emily's perfume was light and airy, like spring flowers in bloom; the heady scent of it made Paige feel warm and sleepy. She moved her thumb in small, light circles against Emily's shoulder, watching specks of dust dance in the late morning sunlight that poured through the basement windows and listening to the quiet sounds of their breathing.

Paige wasn't sure how long they sat there like that -- it could have been hours by how dazed she felt, by how stiff and heavy her body seemed, but it had probably only been a minute or two, at most -- until the sound of laughter drifted down from just outside, startling her out of her reverie. With a sigh, Emily pulled away, straightening up. "Thanks," she said, smoothing down the front her skirt with her hands. "I know we've never really ... talked before."

Paige shrugged, leaning back. "It's no big deal."

"Maybe not. But, still."

Emily stood up and Paige stood up with her, tugging at her skirt, suddenly feeling incredibly self-conscious. Her parents were probably wondering where where she'd taken off to, she thought. "I'll see you later then, I guess," she said, taking a step towards the door.

"Bye," Emily said lightly, with a soft smile that made Paige feel warm all over.

 

;;

 

The truth was, she'd been crushing on Emily for ages.

Since the summer after seventh grade, specifically, when they'd first started swimming together; they'd both been on the same club team at the YMCA in Billings, twenty minutes away by highway. It was the summer before Paige's father decided to put a pool in their backyard and hire a private coach to help her train on the off-season because, as he told her over dinner one evening, she was never going to get better unless they took things seriously.

 _They_ meant Paige, her mother, and him, of course, even though Paige was the only one who actually swam. It was always _they_ with him. As if Paige would just go along with things no matter what. (She always did though, so she supposed she couldn't really protest too much; not like it was worth it to argue with her dad anyway.)

"Paige, you have been blessed with talent," her father had said, cutting into his steak, "you need to let the light of Christ shine through your God-given abilities."

Paige wasn’t so sure about the whole "light of Christ" thing, but then again, she _was_ pretty keen on the idea of having a pool that she could go to every day, without having to wait for her parents to drive her to Billings or biking all the way to the lake on the edge of town.

Her heart did sink a little though, at not being able to swim with Emily. Emily was the best swimmer on their club team and the only one who consistently got faster times than her -- more than Emily herself, Paige thought, she was going to miss the competition.

She spent the rest of the summer looking forward to the weekends, when she'd spend two short hours in the pool with Emily every Saturday and Sunday morning. They didn't talk much -- Paige was too shy, too in awe -- but it was the physical proximity that Paige liked, the _idea_ of being close to Emily. She hadn't quite known then, what she'd been feeling.

But at age fifteen she'd awoken with a start, sweaty and panting, her sheets twisted around her bare legs, her head spinning with dreams of Emily -- Emily's mouth on hers, Emily's fingers trailing against her skin, Emily's skirt bunched up around her waist -- and she'd realized with dread what exactly those feelings meant.

Paige panicked. She prayed, begged, whispering into her pillow for God to make the feelings go away. She didn't _want_ them to, but she didn't know how else she was going to live in this house, this town. She convinced herself that maybe she could fix this, that she could fix _herself_. In the classes she shared with Emily, she sat as far away as possible. In the hallways, she took the long way around instead of having to walk by Emily’s locker. She kept her head down at practice, stayed late swimming extra laps so that Emily would be gone by the time she finally got out of the pool.

She prayed desperately every night for three weeks for her feelings for Emily to subside, but every morning she woke up thinking of Emily, wondering how she would taste. Perhaps, she thought, _that_ was God's answer. Maybe it was ...

(she dared to hope)

... maybe it was okay.

After all, if it wasn’t, wouldn’t things have changed by now? Maybe, she thought, feeling better and worse all at once, maybe it was okay if she just kept quiet about it. If no one knew, she reasoned, would it really be so bad?

She could go on.

She could pretend.

 

;;

 

A year following Paige’s revelation, Emily got a boyfriend.

His name was Ben Coogan and he was on the boys’ swim team. He was also a senior and best friends with Noel Kahn, the most popular boy in school, which was enough to make Paige dislike him anyway, even without the added fact that he was dating Emily. She knew she had no right to be jealous, but the feelings bubbled up inside her anyway; at times she felt them threatening to spill over, especially when she spotted the two of them together in the cafeteria, laughing, Ben’s arm slung around so casually around Emily’s shoulders.

It made her sick.

"What’s wrong with you?" Pru had asked, nudging Paige’s calf with her foot and giving her a look.

"Nothing."

"Right.” Pru turned in her seat, following Paige’s line of sight. "Oh, _I_ know what it is,” she said, turning back, grinning. "You’re jealous, right?"

Paige felt the blood in her veins turn to ice. "No I’m not," she said coolly, even though her hands were shaking under the table.

"You _so_ are." Pru’s grin widened. "I don’t blame you though; practically every girl in this school’s crushed on Ben at one point or time. I mean, he’s pretty much one of the hottest guys in Rosewood. That’s our age anyway." She winked at Paige, laughing. "Don’t worry, Paige, we’ll find you a guy. One who isn’t taken."

Paige tried to muster up an enthusiastic smile. "Yeah. Great."

 

;;

 

The boy Pru found for Paige was Sean Ackard, whose father was a minister at the church in Danby, the next town over. He was perfectly adequate boyfriend material, Pru had informed her, even though he _was_ a member of V Club, their school’s wait-until-marriage club. Not like Paige cared either way, but being in V Club certainly made Sean seem more attractive as an Emily-distraction; at least she wouldn’t have to worry about him pushing her to do anything.

Their courtship lasted all of a month and a handful of dates, after which Paige realized that, Emily-distraction or otherwise, she could not pretend even a little to enjoy doing anything with Sean -- not holding hands, not cuddling on his couch watching the History channel, and _certainly_ not kissing him. She’d tried, she really had. This was what she’d been wanting, after all: a chance to be normal. A chance to _feel_ normal.

But she’d felt like such a phony on the evening after their first date, when he’d kissed her goodnight on her front porch. Standing there, his mouth on hers, his hand on her shoulder, she’d thought back to all of the times she’d dreamt about kissing Emily, and how kissing Sean didn’t even feel a little like that. It just felt wet and awkward and … wrong.

"Was it because of V Club?” Pru asked, when Paige told her that she’d dumped him. "He’s such a prude."

"No, that wasn’t it," Paige said, stabbing absently at a piece of lettuce in her salad.

"Well, what was it then? Because I kind of figured he’d be the perfect match for you, Paige," Pru said, her tone tinged with disappointment. "You’re both preacher’s kids, you’re both really into school, and you both like to sit around at home not having fun." She punctuated her sentence with a teasing smile. "But no, really, what gives?"

Paige shrugged, thinking about Emily, in the hallway, catching her eyes and nodding a hello with a small smile. "I don’t know," she told Pru, keeping her tone as nonchalant as possible. "I guess we just didn’t click."

 

;;

 

It was just a little under a week after their moment in the church basement that Paige found herself alone with Emily again. This time it was in the Rosewood Public Library, at one of the little study tables over in the back corner by the reference books. At nine-thirty on a Saturday morning, Paige hadn’t expected to run into anyone else there, but when someone had dropped a bag on the table in front of her, she looked up.

Paige pulled out her earbuds, hitting the pause button on her iPhone. "Oh. Hey, Emily. What’s up?"

"Do you mind if I sit here?" Emily asked, even though she was already shrugging off her Sharks warm-up jacket and draping it over the back of the chair across from Paige. "I usually don’t come here to do homework,” she told Paige, sitting down and pulling a notebook out of her messenger bag. "But I couldn’t sleep and I just … needed to get out of my house for a bit." The last part sounded a bit strained.

She was probably still upset about her dad having to leave again so soon, Paige thought. She couldn’t imagine what that was like; the most her father was gone for was the weekend, and she always welcomed those blissful hours when she could just _relax_ , without worrying about what he thought.

"Well, I’ll be here all day," she said. "Have you done the AP Bio assignment yet? We could work on it together, if you’d like."

"Yeah.” Emily visibly relaxed, smiling. "Yeah, actually, that would be great. I’ve just got to finish up this other assignment first though."

They worked in silence, with their headphones in. Every so often Paige snuck a glance over at Emily, who kept her head bowed, working diligently. With her hair pulled off to one side and the morning sunlight framing her from the side, she looked impossibly gorgeous. Or at least, more gorgeous than someone who was doing homework at ten in the morning on Saturday should be allowed to look. It made Paige feel a bit self-conscious, sitting across from her, her own hair just tied done up in a messy braid, and wearing an old band t-shirt.

The thing about Emily, though, wasn’t just that she was pretty -- she was also really nice. She’d always been the first one to congratulate Paige on her times in the pool. She smiled at Paige when they passed in the hallway or in class, if they ended up sitting next to each other.

And ever since that Sunday in the church basement it seemed, to Paige, as if things had changed between them. In the one class they shared, Emily started sitting next to her, even when there were other empty desks available. When Emily passed by Paige’s locker, she stopped to say hello. Last Tuesday, she’d even asked Paige if she wanted to hang out sometime after swim practice, though Paige had been too stunned to reply, simply nodding her head dumbly.

All things considered, it wasn’t _that_ much of a change, Paige knew. In the grand scheme of things, it was miniscule. But after years of simply hovering on the edges of Emily’s life, it _felt_ like a huge change. Maybe Emily was just being nice to her because of what had happened at church, but still, Paige allowed herself a little swell of hope that maybe Emily _genuinely_ wanted to be friends with her. After all, that wasn’t so odd, was it? They’d had classes and swum together for years.

(And Emily was straight, of course, so it wasn’t like Paige’s hopeless crush was actually going to go anywhere.)

It was probably an hour or so of working before Emily tapped her pen on Paige’s open textbook. "Hey," she said, as Paige pulled out one earbud. "You’re in Trig, right?"

Paige nodded. "Yeah, why? Are you in Trig too?"

"First period, Mr. McKay." She made a face. Paige hadn’t ever had him as a math teacher, but she’d heard he always handed out ridiculous amounts of homework, especially on the weekends. Even at the end of the year, when other teachers were already as bored as their students and doing the bare minimum for the last month. "I thought I knew what I was doing, but … I can’t figure this out."

"I’m not really that good at it myself," Paige said, tucking her headphones into the collar of her t-shirt. "But I could take a look?" She offered.

"Problem four." Emily handed the book over to Paige, before pushing out her chair and coming around the table to read over Paige’s shoulder. "I really suck at word problems."

"Oh, I know this one.” Paige flipped to a blank page in her notebook, silently thanking Pru for all of the times she’d helped Paige out with Trig before. "It’s actually really easy, if you just remember the Law of Cosines … "

She trailed off, writing out the equation and quickly working her way through the problem.

"... So see, all it really is is just breaking it up into two small triangles, and then you can calculate their different heights by using the angle of depression between them. See?" She circled the answer, smiling up at Emily. "But if it helps, I usually like to draw out the problem first. Visual learner and all that."

Emily laughed. "I thought you sucked at Trig?"

Paige blushed a little. "Well, I’ve had some help," she said quietly, staring back down at the answer.

It was only then that Paige became acutely aware of just how close their hands were: Emily’s on the table, Paige’s just slightly above, on top of the Trig book. Only millimeters apart. Closer, even, than that. Emily’s index finger twitched. Paige held her breath, and then -- she didn’t even know why; her body seemed to move of its own accord -- moved her pinkie finger just enough so that their pinkie fingers were touching. Her whole body was buzzing with nervous energy. The air felt full of static electricity.

Emily hovered just above her, still and silent. Drawing a shallow breath, Paige chanced a look up; Emily was looking back down at her with a soft expression on her face, one Paige couldn’t read. "I -- " Paige tried to say, but the words got lost in her throat. Her heart was beating so loudly in her chest she was certain Emily could hear it. Emily was close enough so that Paige could smell her perfume; it made her light-headed.

In the quiet of the library, Paige could still hear the faint strains of music coming from her headphones: _Can you still feel the butterflies?_

A second later, Emily pulled away, clearing her throat, and the moment was lost.

 

;;

 

It was Pru who dragged her to the dance.

It was early June, just before the end of the school year and Paige was already looking ahead to the summer; she’d scored an internship at Spencer Hastings’ parents’ law firm, which meant she’d spend three days out of the week in Billings for two months, helping to reorganize the firm’s storage room in the basement. Her parents had been so proud of her, they’d even helped her buy her own car ("You’ll need it anyway, driving back and forth."), a used, navy Toyota.

Paige couldn’t wait to get out of school, even if was only for a few months. Ben was graduating this year, which meant Paige was counting the days until she’d never again have to see him and Emily kissing by his locker on the way to homeroom. And besides, between her internship and swimming lessons, she’d barely have time to think about Emily at all.

Which was good, because ever since their afternoon in the library together last week, she hadn’t been able to get Emily out of her head. All of the hard work she’d put into keeping her thoughts about Emily at bay had melted away almost instantly. Just the night before, she’d slipped her hand down the front of her pyjama bottoms, falling asleep to the idea of Emily cornering her after swim practice and pressing Paige against the lockers with a hard kiss.

(In her dream, Paige hadn’t much minded Emily’s wet bathing suit soaking through her shirt.)

"Oh, come _on_ ," Pru had said earlier that afternoon, lying on Paige’s bed and flipping through the new issue of _Seventeen_ that she’d had in her backpack. "This is like, the last dance before school ends. And anyway, you haven’t been to a single one all year. Could you at least _try_ to live a little?"

Three hours later though, she was regretting allowing Pru to talk her into coming to the dance. She’d remembered almost instantly why she hated school dances -- she always ended up sitting alone on the sidelines, watching everyone else having a good time. As expected, Pru had abandoned her almost as soon as they’d arrived, running off to go cozy up to Collin DeSoto, a junior lacrosse player.

As one slow song melted into another, she happened to turn her head just in time to catch Emily’s eye. Emily was dancing with Ben, her body against his, her chin resting on their shoulder; she met Paige’s gaze and held it for a long, long moment. And, not for the first time, the cold realization that she could never do anything like that with Emily -- or any other girl, for that matter -- washed over Paige. And all of a sudden, standing off to the side, looking around the room, she felt unbearably lonely. She felt the sting of tears in her eyes and she blinked them away rapidly, feeling her face grow hot, grateful for the semi-darkness of the gymnasium. Self-conscious, she pushed herself off the wall and headed outside, slipping out one of the side doors.

She didn’t dare look back to see if Emily might be watching her.

 

;;

 

"Hey," a soft voice said next to her. Emily. "Are you okay?" she asked lightly. "I saw you leave. You seemed upset."

Paige didn't meet her eyes, digging the toe of her boot into the ground. They were behind the gymnasium, on the corner farthest away from the parking lot, where the thin, yellow lights from the streetlamps on the sidewalk didn’t quite reach.

"Yeah, I'm fine. Of course. Why wouldn't I be?" She didn’t see why she had to explain anything, but she added, "It’s really … hot inside. I just wanted some fresh air, that's all."

"Oh." Emily said lightly. "Well, I don't know."

They were both leaning against the side of the school, hands in pockets. It was only just the beginning of summer, the nights not yet muggy and unbearable; Paige listened to the faint sounds of music drifting out from inside, the chirping of insects, the quiet rustle of the trees as a light breeze drifted through. She looked over at Emily, who had her head tipped back, eyes closed.

Paige couldn't think of a time when Emily had looked lovelier, awash in moonlight, and smiling slightly. She licked her lips, swallowing; her heart was in her throat. She didn't know how Emily could do things like this to her -- she'd been trying to work it out since that first time together in the pool in seventh grade. She still remembered the way Emily had smiled at her then, and how nothing else that had come afterward had seemed as sweet as the way she’d said Paige’s name.

Suddenly, Paige couldn't stand it any longer: she took a step forward, leaned in, and kissed Emily. It was a light, brief kiss, their lips only barely touching. She jumped back almost instantly, blushing furiously, her heart pounding in her chest as if she’d just swum the 100-meter freestyle. Emily blinked, eyes wide with surprise.

"What -- "

"I'm sorry," Paige rushed in quickly. "I just -- "

"Paige, I didn't -- " Emily said at the same time.

And then they were kissing again, Emily knitting her fingers into the front of Paige's worn plaid shirt, pulling her in roughly, eagerly. Paige kept her eyes closed the whole time, half afraid it might be nothing more than a dream. She had her hands on Emily's waist, could feel the warmth of Emily's bare skin under her hands where Emily's shirt rode up slightly. Emily tasted like spearmint gum and smelled faintly of wild strawberries.

"Oh," Paige breathed out softly, when they finally broke apart. Her heart was racing.

Emily’s cheeks were flushed a pale pink color. She looked a little dazed. "Oh," she echoed softly, a smile slowly spreading across her face. "I … was not expecting that."

Paige smiled. "Neither was I," she said, and kissed her again.

 

;;

 

And so they’d ended up in the loft in Emily’s barn for the first time. They’d taken Paige’s car, as Emily had come with Ben. Paige had texted Pru and told her that she was tired and was leaving and that she should get Collin to bring her home. She didn’t know what Emily had told her friends or Ben as to why she was leaving early.

"This is my favorite place," Emily had told her, as they’d sat together in the dimly-lit barn, gazing out the window at the diamond-like stars in the black-blue sky. "I used to come up here all the time to read when I was little. I don’t know, I guess it just seemed like a cooler place to hang out than my bedroom." She laughed, looking a little embarrassed. "Kind of lame, I guess."

Paige shook her head. "No. I get it. It’s … quiet here. I like it. I wish my parents had a barn."

Emily smiled. "Paige, about tonight," she started slowly.

Paige held her breath. On the ride home they’d been silent, though once the school had disappeared from sight, Emily had reached across the seats and laced her fingers with Paige’s. She did it again now, sitting in the loft, and Paige’s heart fluttered at the touch.

"I’ve wanted to kiss you for the longest time," Paige found herself blurting out, much to her chagrin.

Emily looked surprised and a little pleased at that. "Really?" She brushed her thumb back and forth against the back of Paige’s hand.

Paige nodded. "But I didn’t think I’d ever, you know, actually go through with it. Or that you would you would actually kiss me _back_ ," she added after a moment, smiling at her words.

It was only just hitting her now: _Emily had kissed her back_. Emily, the girl who had smiled at her by the pool at thirteen years old, before beating her by a whole three seconds on a warm-up race. Emily, the girl she’d comforted in the church basement, the girl who had put her hand next to Paige’s in the library, pinkies almost touching. Emily, the girl she’d been crushing on since practically forever.

Emily, who was sitting here in the loft, smiling back at her.

"Does it sound totally cliche if I tell you that I’ve been wanting to do the same thing?" Emily asked, her smile breaking out into a wide grin.

Paige leaned forward and kissed her in response. This kiss was slower than before, slow and sweet. She felt the soft brush of Emily’s tongue against her bottom lip and she opened her mouth, deepening the kiss. It was a little while before they pulled away, resting their foreheads together.

"I’m not sure where we go from here," Paige said at last. Emily gazed up at her with dark brown eyes. "Us, I mean."

"I don’t know either."

"Can I just ask … " Paige bit her lip, uncertain. She was afraid of ruining the evening by bringing up Emily’s boyfriend, but at the same time, she really needed to know. "What about Ben?"

Emily laughed and shifted, pressing a kiss to Paige’s forehead. "Honestly? I’ve been wanting to break up with him for a while now," she admitted. "Ever since I realized that I, you know, wasn’t, um, interested in him. Or any guys at all, really." She paused, licking her lips. "But I was just afraid that if I ended things with him, he’d know _why_ I did it. I know it sounds stupid -- "

"It’s not stupid,” Paige said, thinking of Sean. "I get it."

"But it’s over now,” Emily said firmly. "I mean, I told him before the dance that it was over after tonight. He’s going away to college in a few months _anyway_. Really, I think he was probably just glad that I was the one to actually call things off."

Paige reached up and tucked a loose strand of dark hair behind Emily’s ear. "So, does this mean that you and I are good?" She asked. "I mean, for now, at least. Like this?"

Emily smiled, cupping her free hand against Paige’s face. Her thumb brushed over Paige’s cheek, sending little jolts of lightning through Paige’s body. "Yeah,” she said, moving in for a kiss. "For now."


End file.
